It doesn’t go away.
It ebbs and flows, but it doesn’t go away.
It’s been 2 years, 8 1/2 months, so scan day is nothing new, and I keep feeling like this should be getting easier. In some ways it does, but then it doesn’t, and it hits me like a sucker punch to the gut. Those are the moments when it’s hard to breathe…
I was standing in the kitchen, looking out the window, watching the younger kids play on the jungle gym, and suddenly it hit. Tomorrow is scan day. My chest felt as tight as my throat, tears welled up in my eyes until there was one too many and they began to spill down my cheeks, and there I was, sniffling and sobbing, a living and breathing bundle of anxiety. I know I should be trusting the Lord, and ultimately I do, but I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t have those moments where the worries and the fears just storm in and it all seems so much bigger than I can handle.
That’s where I was yesterday evening.
The what if’s whirled around and around. I’d push one away, and another one would come crashing in.
What if there’s a “new area of concern” in the brain?
Or along the spine?
What if there’s a problem with his ventricles?
Would that mean there’s a problem with his shunt?
Just when I’d think all was quiet and calm in my heart, the worst-case-scenarios would start playing out in my head. The memories of every time we heard “this is extremely rare” and “we don’t really know why this is happening” come back and play out like movies that I can’t control. There is no off button. I can’t even turn down the volume.
My mom-heart worries. He’s my son, and I just want to make this all go away for him. For almost 3 years, I’ve just wanted to make it all go away, to fix it and make it better, but I can’t.
There’s nothing I can do but wait, and keep loving my son with all of my heart.
So, that’s what I’ll do.
It’s scan day today.
We should know more later.
We appreciate your prayers!
Scans are stable, no new enhancements!! Boring, just the way we like them!!
Now we breathe a sigh of relief, and he doesn’t have to go back for 6 months, which will officially be the longest Ian has gone without an MRI in the last 3 years!